You know those depression commercials that say “depression hurts?” Well so does anxiety. It hurts a lot. I can never feel like I’m free to do what I want, when I want to, because it’s always a matter of: ‘who’s driving and do I trust them.’ It’s not easy getting into a car with someone when you have no idea how they drive, if they speed, or if they’re going to take the route with all the hills. I hate being afraid of these little things, but I just can’t seem to help it. And when someone asks if I want to go somewhere with them, it’s always, “can I drive?” Just for fear that somehow their driving is going to be scary for me. I don’t want that feeling anymore. I want to go places and see the world. But instead, I’m afraid of stupid fucking cars. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.

Growing,
Katie

LOL,
Katie

So, as you all know, I work at Party City. I worked at the one in my town for a little over a year and I transferred to the one by my college so I could continue to have an income (at least to pay off my car bills). So today was my first day, and boy are things different. The people are really nice, so I like that, but overall… they’re sexist. Only girls work the register, and only guys mop, sweep, clean the bathrooms, and deal with boxes. DUDE. Boxes are my specialty. I pick up heavy ones, empty large ones, drop them, unpack them, pack them, fold them up, put them together… Fuck I miss boxes. But no, I’m supposed to be the lame girl that stands around at the picture wall being a servant to those who MUST have number 371. I ask patiently “And what size would you like that in?” as if I’m serving them fries and a drink. Honestly, I’m better than that. I know about all the procedures in Party City, I’ve planogrammed, topstocked, downstocked, packed out, packed away, and done anything else you can imagine. It’s really going to bother me when I get shoved into a shitty aspect of a job that I can, guaranteed, do better at. Don’t get me wrong, I do love working at Party City, but I’m not used to this change of pace, and change of gender so to speak. See, back at home, I was “one of the guys.” I carry heavy latters, move boxes around like crazy, hell, I practically run down my aisles. I’m just really gonna miss the hierarchy of store number 425. I guess I just need to accept it for what it is, and learn to be just like every other female drone.

Worker bee,
Katie

Comment if you wish.

-Katie

I haven’t written in months. I’m terribly sorry for that, but good thing I had the urge to write tonight. This past summer was CRAZY busy. Between holding two jobs at once (Party City and summer camp), surprise visits from my best friend Marilyn, and the start of the new school year in college, this year has become so cramped with spending as much time with my friends as I could before we all went our separate ways to our respective colleges. This summer for me kind of broke some of my rules and personal morals, but I need to be less stressed and more relaxed. So I decided to let go a little. This summer was a first for a lot of things for me: I went on my first ever REAL water slide at Six Flags. That was a crazy experience, considering I’m terrified of heights and fast moving objects. I could not stop screaming. Matt can attest to that… I also got my full license, so now I can drive nearly anywhere I want, whenever… and I don’t have to keep a close eye out for cops. The freedom is awesome. I also expanded my horizons on a few other things… Lets just say, they were good experiences, especially before starting this new individual lifestyle, called, college dorming.

Otherwise, I’ve enjoyed this summer, despite the chaos and frustrations. I learned a lot about myself and the person I want to be, as well as the type of person I don’t want to be. I guess this is definitely a good step towards a successful, happy future. Lets hope it continues this way.

*Buzz buzz,*
Katie

Existance is a state of mind.
And I’m not sorry for your lack thereof.
Unfortunately, you have been denied.

Honestly, this really has nothing to do with my current feelings or situation. I guess if things were blown out of proportion, this little paragraph would fit right in. Here’s to little spouts of poetry that I have left in my shriveled mind.

Bummed out,
Katie

I was scanning the web and came across the overused phrase “idk.” I guess I never noticed until now just how much it bothers me that people use these idiotic phrases. If I take out the time to spell out “I don’t know” and “I don’t care” and “by the way,” why can’t anyone else? It probably only takes a few more nanoseconds of your life to do so. Maybe you should try it sometime.

As I was browsing (No pun intended) the internet I came across a girl who wrote, “sos jc u?” on a web page that I won’t disclose. None of that is pure English. Not one word is spelled out in that phrase. It just makes me wonder, “what has the world come to?” I won’t be surprised if in a few decades time that our sentences will look something like this: hhru wtho tc ttyl!

I wish I understood the logic behind shortcutting words… Oh wait, I probably don’t understand it because there IS NONE.

Or maybe I should write my thesis on bad spelling. That’d be cool.

As for the title, when I was in 5th grade, my school did a spelling bee for every class and everyone had to participate. From each class there was a winner. These winners competed against each other to find one spelling champ from each school. Guess who won for my school? …ME! So the winners of each school went on to a larger spelling bee held at some random school (I wish I remember where) and that competition continued on. Well I made it to the semi-finals along with many others. It was a really cool experience and to this day, I have some unfounded ability to just… spell well!

Hope you enjoyed my little story and rant,
Katie

I’m extremely angry tonight for various reasons and because of the fact that I don’t know who reads this, I’m not gonna post it. I’m just gonna say that I’m sick of being walked on and I hate this town. I’m fucking counting down the days until I leave. I can’t wait to be in a new atmosphere and not have to worry about old connections and old people I knew. I’m done trying to maintain friendships and networking and shit. I’m done with all of it. I quit.

College is going to (hopefully) be one of the best experiences in my life. I can’t wait to get away from this shithole.

If you remotely care to ask why I’m angry, I’ll gladly tell you, because most likely I’m not angry at you.

I’ve put up with enough,
Katie

I think I’m gonna write a book and title it: Thanks for Lying.

Cause I’ve been lied to so many times in my life.. Too many times. I’m sick of being walked on by people who are not as strong as me, emotionally. I don’t understand how it works, but if you ask me, I guess I’d say it’s a reverse gravity concept. Okay.. I made that up, and it probably makes no sense. That’s okay though.

I think I’m done, my brain is fried… as well as my emotions.

G’night fatheads.